One Month On¶
I did a digital detox a month ago, and this is the message that I would write to my friends one month on. It’s me sharing things in an open and vulnerable manner, so if this is not something you’re comfortable with, please feel free to skip this post.
Hi friends,
It’s been a month since I started the soft digital detox. I think I probably should explain to you why I’ve been on a digital detox, what I’ve been up to lately, and how this would progress.
Why I started this¶
I’ve always perceived the holidays as a chance to really go for it and do the things that I’ve always wanted to do. In Singapore, I felt that the things that I would do were not just constrained by my own abilities, but also by the perception of what someone in my position would do. The same effect is slowly appearing in London and my life in the UK and is an inherent downside of exploring a field in depth and the structure of life here.
Inherently, as I’m sure you would know, I feel that I have not been fully challenging myself and developing myself to the best of my abilities throughout my time in university. It is rather disappointing that my experience of university has mostly been a feeling of wanting more. It’s like eating at Stick and Bowl at HSK - but knowing that you’ve had authentic tze char back home in Singapore and you can’t get that here.
On the other hand, the one aspect of my life that I feel I have made progress in - music - has been expanding in terms of the amount of time and energy I spend on it. I don’t count things like managing ICSO or Sinfo as part of this time - I mean actually playing in orchestras, ensembles and talking about the music that we play. I think you might remember that I did ask if we could talk about things that are not necessarily just music in some of our mahjong sessions. I feel incredibly excited by the opportunities that would come in music and all I’ve already done, but at the same time, I remember this lesson from running - that you should finish your run knowing that you could have gone for longer, not when you’re completely exhausted.
The environment shapes the people we become; and it is difficult for me to express how I feel about the course as I know that not everyone feels the same way. I know that many of you who know me through EEE/one of the degree subjects closely related to EEE might not feel the same way and I am very conscious of that as we study in an academically challenging university. I also believe that the more inclusive a group is, the more exclusive it inadvertently becomes: and that ties to not just people but also conversations.
Personally, I miss the conversations and stimuli that I did in secondary school. I want to get back to a position where if those stimuli came back that I would be in a position to respond to it well. I think that while university and this stage of life is a period of growth and learning, it is also down to me how to work best with the situation I am in, the constraints I face, and the opportunities that arise.
So when the opportunity came last November that would take me physically away from London, I took it knowing that this would probably be the end result when I was done with work that needed me to go back to Imperial. This was the same thought process that took me from Singapore to London after all. It was an opportunity for me to take one last big swing - to achieve growth, to deeply reflect, and to plan ahead.
What I’ve been up to¶
I’ve found a role that I look forward to doing every day, where I wake up and feel motivated to do my best work. I think that that’s a rare thing to have and I am very grateful for this opportunity. Of course, you all know me - I rarely go into specifics of the things I do - and this is no exception, so that’s about all I will say.
I think that one of the side effects of the digital detox is that I have been able to be more present for others around me. I won’t go into specifics for obvious reasons, but I think that being able to be away from existing thought processes that have worked in the three years at university for me and taking a fresh perspective has definitely helped me to handle situations, especially those relating to my closest friends, with empathy and kindness. Not that it wouldn’t be there already - I think that inherently I try to understand things from others’ perspectives - but it does help to be away from the existing thought processes that have been built up and reinforced through feedback loops from my friend groups which might not necessarily work in new contexts.
I have always been very aware about handling things, or at least trying to handle things, with nuance and I think that the biggest trap that I am afraid of falling into is reacting to new situations with old contexts and assumptions, or trying to impose my own sets of beliefs and values on a situation that might demand a different approach.
In the process, I have found myself a lot happier - able to set standards for myself that would be hard to express back in London, while giving back to others in a sustainable way. I am able to push myself to meet my own expectations and goals, not the goals that I would be realistically expected to express back in London, or in Singapore.
What’s next¶
The soft digital detox will continue. I think going forward will be a stage of reflection and how best I can carry this into the time when I go back to university for the last year, so that the advances made are retained rather than lost. I know the patterns and mechanisms have worked for me from an outside point of view, but they have not worked for me - in terms of the metrics that matter. I don’t want this to be a rubber band that springs back to its original shape after being stretched; I want this to be like a coffee bean that spreads its flavour.
At the same time, I want to know how best I can be there for the people around me in the upcoming year. I want to develop multidimensional friendships with intentionality, placing pride in their depth and for how delightfully mundane it can be sometimes. I want friendships where we can tell each other about our days, rather than “catch-up friendships”. I find a lot of joy in how mundane things are, and hearing about things like that give me a lot of joy. It’s important for me to do this The Right Way - in a way that works best for both of us, and I want to think about things deeply to make sure that we’re all on the same page.
I think the strength of a friendship is truly there when we can talk about nothing and feel happy. It’s always nice to hear of the milestones and cool things that people have done, and do keep sharing with me things that you would like to celebrate. I’ll celebrate them with you. That being said, if you saw an oreo that became an oreoreo in the oreos you bought from Sainsbury’s, that’s something that would genuinely make my day. If the Blyth music stands gave up on you, or you made the same thing you always do, that’s a small nugget of your life that makes me feel valued and appreciated as a friend. Everyone can be there for each other when times are tough, because we instinctively know that it’s something important to them; but a sign of strength is when the small things are shared. Life is a series of small things, after all.
I hope you are all well and taking care of yourselves. I look forward to meeting with all of you again soon.
Yours sincerely, Sam
P.S.
I am aware that one of the big feelings that my friends might have would be a sense of distance, or a sense of arrogance. Please understand that this is the furthest thing from my intention in writing this. If anything, the intention of writing this was the opposite - to avoid the distance that would come with an under-explained soft digital detox, and to avoid any misunderstandings that could jeopardise friendships that I deeply value.
I have therefore done my best to be share my feelings in an open and honest manner, being aware of the impact that this would have on the people who are close to me while respecting and not suppressing my own personal thoughts and feelings. I know this is not a message that will resonate with everyone, and that’s okay. I know that the fact that this was a planned decision rather than a split-second one might be jarring to know, and that’s okay. I know that friendship means different things for different people, and that’s okay.